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Enough already!

Posted August 17, 2008

The days of opera windows and vinyl roofs may be behind us, but there is a fresh crop of crap to take its place — and arguably it's even more annoying. I should, however, preface this by saying that this is America. You are entitled to customize your car to your heart's content — however horrible it may be. But this is the ranting of an outsider looking in.

1. Cars jacked 8 feet off the ground — There's nothing wrong with being proud of your 1984 Delta 88. But does it really need to have 33-inch rims? Huge rims leads to two deal-breakers in my book: They retard braking by increasing the rotational force, and they slow acceleration. If you're cool with having the braking and accelerating power of a 1938 Buick, then by all means go with the dubs. Otherwise, they should stick to wheels under 3 feet wide. Ordinarily, I'd include jacked-up pickups in this category, but high gas prices seem to be thinning that herd nicely.

2. Oversized wings — Wings and spoilers perform a necessary function for performance cars, that of keeping cars glued to the road during high-speed driving. However, those aren't quite as necessary on a '96 Cavalier. In fact, you're probably more likely to produce drag and hurt gas mileage with a comically oversized wing. And your mom might be upset you stole her ironing board and bolted it to your car's trunk.

3. High-end badges on cheap cars — It was a real noodle-scratcher when I saw a Chevy Silverado (or was it a GMC?) with an Escalade front end bolted on. And don't get me started on Lamborghinis built from tacky body kits and throw-away Pontiac Fieros (a stoplight challenge should be enough to separate the wheat from the chaff). There's no shame in driving a car with a blue-collar badge. Just don't let yourself look like an obvious pretender with a fake Mercedes emblem. People see through it like a politician's promise.

4. TVs everywhere — As I've discovered with my new XM radio, it can be hard to ignore a shiny, slick piece of gadgetry. So should we now have eight TV monitors in our vehicles playing the same Pixar movie? When you have HD monitors in your MUD FLAPS, it's time to tone it down. "Pimp My Ride" gave us some great ideas, but let's restrict them to waterfalls in the back seat and exhaust tips that blow bubbles.

5. Fake scoops — When Pontiac can't seem to sell enough GTOs or G6s, they resort to their old back of tricks — fake scoops. I'm all for a hairy-chested hood scoop — so long as it's functional. Otherwise, it's just another kink in the hood to mess with the drag coefficient. That goes for fender vents and fake brake intake ducts in the rear quarter panels. Automakers aren't fooling anyone, and neither is the guy who has scoops on his F-150 duct-taped on.

So what's your automotive pet peeve?

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