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Marriage is a Team Sport

Posted August 14, 2008

"...and the two shall become one flesh..."

When I was a younger man, I considered this statement (expressed in both the Old and New Testaments) in terms of the physical intimacy it implies. This was understandable. After all, I am a male, with all the normal male preoccupations.

But, in the past several years, I've developed a fresh understanding of the whole "two shall become one flesh" thing, and it is centered in the word "shall".

"The two shall become one flesh"....not "are one flesh" or "may become one flesh".

It has been decreed. It must therefore occur. And, I suspect, it takes a lifetime.

Kelly and I are a work in progress. Our relationship is a living, breathing thing. And like every other living, breathing thing, our relationship needs nourishment, warmth, and shelter. To grow stronger, we must work hard. Otherwise, the alternative is dire.

To see an example of this abstract concept worked out in real life, one needs to look no further than Beijing.

Like everyone else on the planet with a television, I've been glued to the Olympics. And, of all the events, I've marveled at the synchronized diving. Two people, performing unbelievably complex dives, in near-perfect unison. Two bodies, one mind. Two individuals, one purpose. Two people who have worked so hard, and sacrificed so much, in pursuit of a common goal.

When they get out of step with one another, bad things happen. The judges deduct points, the crowd reaction is negative. They miss out on the prize.

Such is marriage. We sacrifice for one another. We work hard in pursuit of a common goal. And for us, the goal is "til death".

Not "maybe til death" or "if things work out til death" or "if it keeps feeling good til death".

Til. Death.

Period.

(For some married couples, the "til death" scenario can't happen soon enough. But that's another blog for another day.)

What I didn't consider in my younger years is that, contrary to what Hollywood might have us believe, "true love", "romance" and all those things are a marathon, not a sprint. After all, the point isn't the wedding (contrary to popular belief)....the point is the marriage that follows.

My best friend's advice regarding my role in our wedding was: Shut up and show up.

Good advice for a wedding.

Good advice for a marriage, too. When I keep my mouth shut, and focus on "showing up" (e.g. being consistent, steady, and true) for Kelly, things tend to go alot smoother around here.

The point is, Kelly and I go through life alot like the synchronized divers. Sometimes we're in perfect unison, other times we're a little bit disjointed. Sometimes we nail the landing, other times we splash and flail around while sinking to the bottom. And, like those divers, when we are in unison, we do beautiful things. We accomplish more, achieve more. Enjoy more.

But in any event, whether we're struggling to get on the same page or finishing each other's sentences, we're always in the process of "becoming one flesh". Our bodies, and minds. Our souls, and spirits. Our families, and friends. Our goals, and dreams. Our desires, and energies.

All of these things shall become one. There is no middle ground.

I look forward to the day when, with grey heads and wrinkled bodies, Kelly and I can no longer tell whose fingers are whose when we're holding hands. When we're more of an "is" than an "us". When we can look back on the process, and smile knowingly at the results.

I don't know what the future will bring, nor the number of years we will enjoy together with Ella, our daughter, walking alongside us.

But I do know that when I said "I would", I started something I promised her I would finish. And she promised me the same.

As it says in the Song of Solomon: "I am my lovers, and my lover is mine".

In that moment, we became a team. And the stakes are much higher than mere medals and pedestals.

Therefore, we shall become one flesh. Sometimes it is painful, sometimes it is a joy. According to the Lord, it is many things. And, chief among them, it is "good".

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