HARTWELL — Here is a little something for those of you who find yourselves helping a son or daughter apply to college this fall. Or, for those of you who will be experiencing this process in the future. Or, for those of you who are recovering from a nervous breakdown, post-application process.

Dear Dean of Admissions to Institution of Higher Learning,

It occurs to me, now that I have broken out in bad case of hives, that there must be a better way for my son/daughter to apply to your institution.

I am referring, of course, to the mountain of forms and applications and supplementary material and recommendations and addendums and general wherefore and whatnot paperwork that I, here in my humble household, must wade through to send to you, in your ivy tower.

I, of course, am the parent of said son/daughter who can’t wait to get away from here and onto a college campus with his/her twin-bed sheets, bedside lamp and boogie shoes.

I, of course, also am the one who is managing the mountain of materials that comes with applying to your institution. (I have not hired a personal secretary for this position because every last penny I have in the bank will soon be sent to your institution or another one like it.)

Quite frankly, I, at this point, am so much out of sorts that the family pets have gone into hiding and the housekeeper is trying to vacuum quietly.

College promotional materials are crowding the dining room table. Post-It notes are stuck to everything. (Have somebody sign this; have somebody initial that.) Pens are running out of ink. The little white-out bottle is almost empty.

But what has sent me over the edge is your need for a code number. Specifically, the elusive code number that has to do with the high school where my son/daughter is studying. (At least I hope that’s where he/she is at the moment.)

Now I am sure this code number has been referenced one million-zillion-bodillion times in materials that have been sent to my humble home from the high school where my son/daughter attends, but surely you must know how that goes — I have never seen any of those materials.

Thus, the other day, I spent the better part of an otherwise lovely morning tracking down the dadgum code number. (This is not to be confused with my son/daughter’s Social Security number, which I have stamped across my forehead for cases such as these.)

You must understand that part of my angst is that I really would like my son/daughter to attend your institution. Therefore, I do believe that you should consider simplifying the application process.

I would suggest that you merely talk to my son’s/daughter’s grandmother. She will be surprised that you even had to ask, but she will make it abundantly clear that in no uncertain terms your institution should accept with open arms and happy heart the perfect human being who is her grandchild.

Salley M. McInerney can be reached by e-mailing salley@hartcom.net.